Improving your communication with your spouse takes work, but it’s so worth it!
If you and your spouse rarely fight, and being together feels effortless, then you are both unicorns and don’t need to read this article! If you are like the rest of us, being in a long term committed relationship often requires Herculean patience. Many of us haven’t had strong role models for healthy communication, so we lack a “relationship manual” and the skills to manage our emotions and reactions effectively. Here are nine time-tested tips to enhance communication with your partner and enjoy each other more.
TIP NUMBER ONE: INTENTIONALLY ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR PARTNER’S EFFORTS
Focus on noticing and appreciating the positive things your partner does. When you recognize their efforts, pause to truly feel and acknowledge your appreciation. Even if expressing gratitude feels awkward at first, make a point to do it consistently. Over time, this practice will strengthen your bond and motivate your partner 🙂.
Case Study: Steve and Sue
Steve and Sue have been living together for two years.
Steve’s bandwidth for outings and excursions is very low. He likes to sleep in late on weekends, which is like torture for adventure-hungry Sue.
Steve and Sue are caught in a negative cycle so long standing that it’s hard to remember when it began where Sue ruminates on all the things Steve fails to do, and Steve constantly feels like he’s failing Sue.
“I left him a grocery list, and he only got 4 out of the 6 things I asked for!” she said exasperated.
“Then I really let him have it, and the rest of our weekend was miserable.”
“Do you think that it would be helpful to put the spotlight on what Steve did well, and express your appreciation for him for that?” I asked.
Sue liked the idea of making a point of expressing appreciation for what Steve DOES do. Over time this practice strengthened their bond, and motivated Steve. When Steve was less worried about disappointing Sue, his memory became sharper, and he took more pleasure in doing things for her.
This tip is invaluable for couples where one spouse harbors a negative bias, relentlessly looks for evidence that they are doing the lion’s share of the work, and believes their partner is falling short.
The belief that spouses can split everything down the middle, and maintain a perfect 50/50 division of labour is false, and a fool’s game because spouses have different areas of competence, processing speeds, standards, and values. Moreover life stresses such as illness, career struggles, parenting woes, and family issues can strike at any time pulling one partner’s equilibrium off kilter. This means that it’s normal and expected for there to be some disparity in what each person can contribute at any given time.
The 50/50 imperative is even more problematic because spouses are often under the spell of cognitive dissonance, which inflates their own contribution over that of their spouse. The pursuit of a perfect 50/50 division of labour leads to adversarial, competitive conversations where one spouse tries to prove that they are doing more than their spouse.
A wise Therapy mentor of mine once said: “If you try to be right, you will both lose”.
Appreciating your partner’s contribution cuts through adversarial dynamics that strip relationships of their health and joy.
TIP NUMBER TWO: AVOID NEGATIVE ASSUMPTIONS AND PROJECTION
You likely don’t realize that your negative assumptions about what your partner’s behaviour means build up your anger, resentment, and explosive reactions. Becoming aware of how your negative assumptions impact your communication with your spouse is the first step to changing this pattern.
Case Study: Jack and Karly
Jack and Karly met in college and have been together ever since.
When Karly retreated into her video games instead of offering to help Jack set up the IKEA desk, and go for a walk like she promised, Jack’s negative assumptions started machine gun firing at his brain:
“She’s bored with me.”
“She’s not interested in spending time with me.”
“She doesn’t care about me.”
“She’s going to leave me.”
Jack eventually flew into a rage, and yelled “Clearly you have no interest in spending time with me! I guess I’m just too boring for you!”, then went into the bedroom, and slammed the door.
This is a classic example of what therapists call projection.
Jack felt angry with Karly for being boring, and devoid of motivation, but instead of owning his anger in a healthy way, and declaring what he wanted, he projected his anger onto Karly in the form of self critical thoughts.
“You’re right,” he said, “I did feel angry with her and instead of asking for what I wanted, I projected my anger onto her, and started to feel shitty about myself, and rejected by her. I definitely DO NOT want to keep doing that!”
TIP NUMBER THREE: PULL THE EMERGENCY BRAKE ON YOUR REACTION.
Be warned – THIS is THE HARDEST tip to follow:
When you get triggered, the urge to lash out at your spouse can be overpowering.
DON’T.
PULL THE EMERGENCY BRAKE ON YOUR REACTION.
REST AND DIGEST.
Therapy is a place you can slow down, and get a deeper understanding of the forces that drive your explosive reactions, and help you defuse them, so you can calmly work through conflicts in your relationship.
Jack’s Aha Moment: Taking a Passive Position Doesn’t Work, and Builds Up Anger
Jack was oblivious to his habit of asking Karly about what she wanted, while hiding what he wanted.
When Jack asked Karly if she wanted to assemble the IKEA desk, and go for a walk, she said, “No, thanks.”
He exploded right after that, but he was unaware of how the anxiety had been building up inside of him for days prior to this as he watched Karly hibernate in front of the tv.
Jack and I took a fine tooth comb to the lead up to his lashing out moment with Karly, and I pointed out that how he took a passive position with Karly instead of stating what he wanted.
“Rather than tell Karly that you wanted her to help you with the desk and go for a walk, you asked her if she wanted that.”
“Oh right, I didn’t even realize that!” he said.
“It’s really hard for me to even know what I want, let alone ask for it.” he said.
Jack and I worked on helping him know and advocate for what he wants with Karly.
TIP # FOUR: HEAL PAST WOUNDS TO IMPROVE PRESENT COMMUNICATION
A skilled Therapist can help you make sense of the degree to which anxiety about unprocessed feelings from your early attachment relationships may be getting triggered in the distress cycle between you and your spouse.
Awareness is the first step toward self compassion, and compassion for yourself will ripple into your relationship.
Jack’s Anxiety About Anger
Jack’s anxiety about anger stems from growing up with Dad’s out of control anger, and Mom leaving to avoid Dad’s anger which left young Jack alone to fend for himself.
On more than one occasion Jack witnessed his Dad fly into a fit of rage which frightened everyone in the family, including Jack’s Mom, and prompted her to leave. Jack lacked proper role models for how to handle anger in a responsible way.
In therapy Jack processed his feelings of grief and anger from his past, so that he could feel more calm with anger, and better equipped to be assertive with Karly.
TIP # FIVE: LEARN TO RECOGNIZE AND TAME ANXIETY SYMPTOMS
Being in touch with your body, and regulating your anxiety is a skill you can learn in therapy which can reduce the build up to explosive behaviour.
Learning to tame anxiety symptoms goes hand in hand with recognizing patterns like passivity, overfunctioning, numbing, overworking, or people pleasing which temporarily bury your anxiety, but don’t address it.
With a skilled Therapist you can identify unhelpful patterns, calm anxiety, and connect with your feelings so that you can communicate effectively.
Jack:
Because anger meant either danger or abandonment, to this day Jack is afraid of the unknown, especially social situations. He tries to avoid them, but when he can’t, he puts the spotlight on the other person. When people focus on him, his anxiety rises. He finds himself trying to be the person he thinks others want and expect him to be, but this makes it really hard for him to know and be himself.
Jack prefers to stay close to home rather than venture out on his own and forge new friendships, but this makes him more reliant on Karly, and afraid to advocate for what he wants with her.
“Yeah, I do notice that when I think about telling Karly that I want us to spend time together, and specifically want her help to assemble the desk, that my heart starts beating really fast, and I even get a little bit dizzy.” says Jack.
“Yes, good that you notice that just wanting to stand up for what you want triggers the anxiety reaction in your heart and the dizziness in your head.”
I helped Jack to slow down, breathe, and do grounding techniques to bring down his escalated heart rate, and clear his head.
Learning how to regulate his anxiety symptoms, clarity on how they got triggered, and building his capacity to connect with his feelings, wants and needs, were a game changer for Jack.
“I feel hopeful now that I can trust myself to take more risks! I feel more confident, and I enjoy my life more!” he said with excitement.
TIP # SIX: CLARIFY WHAT YOU CAN AND CAN’T CHANGE.
You can’t change your partner, but you can look into your deeper attachment needs, and unresolved feelings from earlier attachment relationships with your parents, that add ammunition to the conflict between the two of you.
Once you understand what you are doing, why you’re doing it, and have clarity that it’s not working, you can change it. For example, blaming your spouse for failing you doesn’t work, but expressing your needs, and negotiating some agreements that foster closeness and positive experiences do.
Communicating in a calm, thoughtful manner is more likely to motivate your partner to change!
You have the power to change what you do that contributes to the distress cycle with your partner.
Don’t underestimate the difference that taking the high road – even once – can make to incrementally improve your relationship!
Case Study: Steve and Sue
When Steve lingered in bed until almost noon on Sunday morning instead of going for a run with Sue, she felt despondent.
Here was more evidence that they are too different, and he’s not right for her.
Steve noticed that she was prickly when he tried to give her a hug.
“I just think we’re too different, and I’ll never get my needs met with him.” she told me, her voice weighted with despair.
“Okay, Steve likes to sleep in on Sundays, and when you wait for him, you feel like you miss out on things that matter to you.” I said.
“It may be helpful to remember that you have different processing needs, and nervous systems. He has ADHD which makes daily functioning more demanding for him, and therefore he’s more tired on the weekends, whereas you are a multitasking champion, and come weekends you’re rarin’ to go!” I clarified.
“You can’t change Steve, but maybe if he understood why doing something special together on weekends is so important to you, he might commit to some plans and agreements.” I offered.
“It’s worth a try.” said Sue.
“Would you like to look into what comes up for you emotionally when he sleeps in so that you can speak to him in a way that’s less loaded with blame, and more likely to motivate him?” I asked.
“Yes, that sounds good! You know, when he sleeps in he reminds me of my Mom who constantly waited by the phone for her boyfriend to make time for her. She was so focused on him that she had no time for me.” she said welling up with tears.
TIP # SEVEN: BE STRATEGIC AND SEEK CONSENT FOR DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS.
Rather than launch into complaints and offenses, ask your spouse for their consent to discuss a contentious issue, such as “Is now a good time for us to talk?”.
If it isn’t a good time, find out when your spouse is available, and make a plan to talk when you are both resourced, i.e. well rested, nourished, and free of pressing demands.
Steve:
Steve could tell that Sue was stressed and preoccupied about her presentation at a conference that was less than twenty four hours away.
He was itching to talk to her about his hurt over the fact that she hadn’t included him in the conference banquet dinner.
She had said that having him there would be distracting for her, and would have got in the way of her focus on networking with her colleagues.
Realizing that bringing it up while she was stressed and preoccupied would put Sue over the edge, Steve curbed his impulse to talk to her, and resolved to bring it up when her conference duties were out of the way.
TIP # EIGHT: ADJUST EXPECTATIONS BASED ON PERSONALITY AND CONTEXT
Does your spouse have ADHD?
Is he/she/they on the Autism Spectrum?
If you are neurotypical and your spouse isn’t, you may need to adjust your expectations.
Steve:
Karly has ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) which makes her get hyperfocused on certain things, and neglect and procrastinate in other areas.
Jack works from home, while Karly commutes thirty minutes each way every day.
Karly’s job is very hands-on, and demanding on an interpersonal level, while Jack’s job is cerebral and introverted.
Being neurodiverse while trying to function in a neurotypical world takes everything out of Karly, so when she gets home, her social battery is fried, and she retreats to recharge.
When Jack sees her absorbed in her tv down time, he assumes that something’s wrong, and she’s not interested in him. When she leaves her dishes or clothes around the house, he sees red, and rants on about how she doesn’t care about him.
Jack has an anxious attachment style, while Karly’s is more avoidant. When stressed Jack wants contact with Karly, and to discuss what’s bothering him while Karly, needs to retreat to restore equilibrium.
For communication to improve between Jack and Karly, both partner’s can benefit from understanding their different attachment styles, and adjusting their expectations.
TIP # NINE: EXPAND YOUR CAPACITY FOR DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS.
When discussing a contentious issue with your partner, try to stretch yourself to listen WITHOUT REACTING/INTERRUPTING 5-20% longer each time, which means DELAY your impulse to interrupt, shut down, or give up. When everything inside you wants to interrupt, shut down, give up, or withdraw from your partner, breathe and soldier on a little bit longer.
Karly
When Jack started lecturing her about leaving her dishes in the sink again, and reminding her that he does most of the house work and she doesn’t lift a finger, Karly feels the urge to interrupt him, defend herself, and blame him. Karly had to work hard to resist this impulse, but the work she had done in her personal therapy, helped her to pause, and avert relationship breakdown misery.
Karly focused on breathing, and listening to what Jack was saying without interrupting, defending, or giving up for five minutes longer than usual.
While listening she could hear Jack’s longing for help, and his sadness about how alone he felt.
“I hear you.” she said.
“You feel really alone with the house work burden, and you’re sad and frustrated about that.”
“I’ll work on it.” she said.
SUMMARY
Only Unicorns never fight, and have effortless relationships. Very few of us witnessed healthy communication role modeling from our parents. We are not born with a relationship manual, and therefore we need to learn how to navigate conflict well, and maintain harmony with our spouse. Working on our patterns and reactions is not for the faint of heart, but remember your patterns don’t define you. Don’t underestimate the power of choosing to reflect, and work on difficult issues in your relationship. A skilled therapist can support you to make positive changes, so that you can enjoy a lifetime of love!
RECOMMENDED READING
Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection, by Julie and John Gottman
